Foreign Perspectives In Leather Pants
by kinky boot fiend
Summary: An epic journey, told through the eyes of I, the most stunningly gorgeous, fantastic and absolutely marvelous Prince of Rozzaria, Al-Cid Margrace.
1. Abdomens & Swedes

I do not own Final Fantasy XII.

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_Abdomens & Swedes_

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Here we start, meeting a child (with an unruly looking abdomen) slaughtering rats in the sewers. This Ratsbane child has yet to learn of my existence, but he will. This Vaan will meet me, Al-Cid, and his female traveling companions will swoon over Al-Cid and his sexy accent.

This boy may swoon as well, but due to the lack of cannon couples in this adventure, his gender preference is unknown.

As Al-Cid was saying, here we start, in the disgustingly filthy underground waterway. Our little Aladdin-style protagonist yells something to a little child (who shakes so much it looks like he's having a _mild seizure_) about being ready to kill wolves in a desert now that he's gutted a few rats.

Al-Cid does not like the desert sands, they ruin his leather pants.

Dear whatever-you-ares are all probably wondering, '_Al-Cid, you, beautiful prince, why are you telling us the story of a street urchin?" _

Al-Cid has complained that Al-Cid is not seen enough during this adventure to have a suitable amount of fan-girls for his overall gorgeousness. Thus, Al-Cid asked to narrate the epic story of this boy and his friends on their freedom-fighting quest.

A memo from the director of this epic journey has forced to include as much of the story as possible, but that is no fun at all, so we'll just have to skip boring parts and fastforward to the fun.

Continuing with our tale, our protagonist has scampered back up to his city, which reminds Al-Cid of Arabia and _Aladdin_.

Vaan, pulling an Aladdin (without the fez), is stealing some stuff, but doesn't get caught because Aladdin is never caught. And because he cannot be locked away in a disgusting prison so early on in this adventure, since all adventures need almost-innocent, geek-sheek protagonists.

Enter Penelo: Vaan's friend with hair that sticks out at gravity-defying angles, Swedish style. The girl emasculates Vaan, and now it seems, Ratsbane is off to see Migelo.

Migelo, a nasal-voiced Bangaa who likes a good bottle of wine tells Vaan, with much resistance, to go to the sandsea to pick up foodstuffs.

How quaint.

Aladdin jogs off to the bar to speak with Tomaj.

Al-Cid really likes how all the citizens who will talk to you have smiley-faces above their heads.

Tomaj speaks very fast and wears a dispicable colour of orange. The bartender tells our protagonist about a wretched tomato who has been attacking merchants.

Al-Cid will skip another boring part of this journey involving the license board thing that has little faces without noses on them.

After Vaan and this orange-clad man speak about some nonsense Al-Cid wasn't paying attention to, we discover that the shaky-seizure-boy is in trouble for not completing an errand.

Thus, the hunt for the Rougue Tomato begins.

Al-Cid begins to regret signing on to narrate this.

Aladdin-boy must now make his way to the Estersand in order to dispose of this tomato.

It will, of course, die at the sight of Vaan's non-CGI-abs. The aforementioned part of his anatomy resembles a spider, and looks _inside-out_.

Ah, the Rogue Tomato has perished, and Vaan is picking flowers. They're rare, boy, _don't pick them because your dead brother likes them_.

Let us skip the journey back to the city, as it is rather pointless for us to watch him wander aimlessly through the sand.

Here we are, Penelo is speaking, emasculating him some more.

Al-Cid is tired. While Vaanikins is in Old Dalan's smoke den, Al-Cid will get his much needed beauty sleep.

This is Al-Cid, signing off.


	2. Politics & Funeral Pyres

_Politics and Funeral Pyres_

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It is I, Al-Cid once more. While Al-Cid was getting his much needed beauty sleep, we, the viewers of this epic tale, have missed Mr. I'm-Brothers-With-A-Cross dresser's speech. By that, Al-Cid means 'Consul Vayne my flabby rival.' Not to offend the dear boy, but Al-Cid considers Prince Larsa a cross dresser. Did you not believe she… he… Larsa was a female upon first sight? Al-Cid did, mistakenly calling him a Princess.. Oh well, Al-Cid doesn't want to hear that man Vayne talk anyways, if you could call him a man, his voice has too high a pitch.

So, while we were talking about Vayne, Vaan crossed half of the Giza Plains to find stones. Why is he looking for stones? Al-Cid thinks we missed that too. Give Al-Cid a minute to review what we have missed.

Right, we the viewers have missed an excursion to Old Dalan's. Well, we didn't, Al-Cid skipped that. But anyways, the old man has ordered Vaan to claim some suntones.

We resume this adventure in the nomad village of the Giza Plains. Penelo scolds Ratsbane yet again. Shameful, shameful, Vaan, you don't spend enough time with your girlfriend. Is she your girlfriend? We'll never know because of the severe lack of general romance in this journey.

What Al-Cid means is an in-depth plotline is present, but it's packed with politics. Even I, Al-Cid, am a politician, in a way. It's interesting, sure, but Vaan is a teenage boy who doesn't have the mental capacity for such intense situations. It's quite predictable, really, parts of the plot line. Quite a bit of it Al-Cid did not except, though. An example would be that the adventure editors who put this together never added in the party's trip to Al-Cid's secret getaway island.

Moving on, Ratty and Penelo the Swede have finally finished with the Sunstone business.

More Old Dalan, skip.

Finally, something worth watching! Ratty Ratsbane is breaking into the Royal Palace, which means excitement for us viewers! Vaan is hanging around with all the staffers who are sitting around waiting for orders. How does Vaan get up? Ah, a Seeq helps him.

A confusing puzzle, let us skip it.

Ah, here we are, Ratty found some decent treasure! Oh, _finally _some nice new party members to join our adventurer on his quest. Al-Cid was wondering when the cool ones would join. Let's see, we have a British man- whose sexy accent competes with mine- and his bunny-eared partner (who speaks with a cool accent too).

That's right, Vaan, you run from the cooler-than-you sky pirates. Run like the wind.

What is wrong with this boy? Really, Ratty wants to be a dashing sky pirate one day, yet he runs from them like a mandragora from an angry Archadian chef. Al-Cid ponders if ol' Ratty even know how to fly. Al-Cid doubts this. Al-Cid can picture him, flying around in a little airship he's in debt for thousands of gil for, only to get lost. Al-Cid bets he'd fly right through Jagd and crash and burn in the Ogir-Yensa Sandsea. Then he'd get eaten by Yensas who turned cannibalistic, since Ratty crashed into their food source. Then after four years Penelo the Swede would find his bones atop a funeral pyre created by the Yensas in honor of Beowulf.

Back to the present, Balthier and Fran, the dashing rogues of this adventure, have cornered Ratty Ratsbane and are threatening the boy like true pirates. War-like explosions ensue, soldiers chase Balthier, Balthier picks up Ratty- who is obviously anorexic or something as the sky pirate lifts him like a feather- and jumps.

Talk about suicidal _and _homicidal and the _same time_.

Thank the Occuria for the Icelandic bunny. Oh dear, Ratty's slipping. No, Al-Cid is not insensitive, but clearly the boy cannot _die_, yet. After all, main characters don't usually die, unless you're in this adventures predecessor, Journey #10. I believe they call this one Journey #12. Original, no?

Carrying on, the party of three is safe, back in the smelly underground waterway. What is with Ratty and _sewers_? Perhaps he was born in them. That would make sense, maybe the boy's half rat. Al-Cid supposes that after the mother gave birth to the boy, she killed the father, a rat, and ate him for dinner- desperate _and _crude.

Oh dear, ranting like this always causes Al-Cid to miss important bits of information.

Ashelia, get out of the cross-breed's arms! He's a filthy sewer boy! Ashelia, your name is not _Amalia_, way to lie to a fellow Dalmascan.

Grotesque Flans attack, let us skip this.

A Great Firemane attacks the party, let us skip this as well.

Is that _Vayne_? Royals should not stoop so low as to actually go down to the sewers. Ashelia does not count; she is supposed to be dead. What, did he bring down the entire army to take out _four people?_ Rozzaria should've planned an attack.

Al-Cid finds the capturing process boring, and will tell you all more when Al-Cid finds something of interest.

I, Al-Cid, take my virtual exit.


	3. Wannabes are Posers in Disguise

**Author's Note: **Thank you so much for all your amazingly kind reviews, they made my day. Sorry this took so long, my internet connection DIED. Like, DIED, I had nothing for a week. But I had WORD so I got this done, and the next one is about half way done. OH, someone asked me to stop Al-Cid speaking in the third person, I know that in the game he doesn't do that, but I just felt that in his mind he refers to himself in the third person. I've already said it, I'm not going to say I don't own it again, 'KAY?

Kleptomaniacal: Not a word, look up 'kleptomaniac'. I needed a cool word for 'stealing', so I made one up. **

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**Wannabes are Posers in Disguise**

Greetings, it is I, Al-Cid the wonderful prince, once more. It seems Ratty and the sky pirates are now in the bottomless depths of Nalbina Dungeon. It's such a hideous dungeon. In Rozzaria we keep our dungeons in pristine condition. We serve smoothies in many different flavours. Yes, it's supposed to be a dungeon, but Al-Cid believes everyone deserves a good smoothie- no matter how violent or kleptomaniacal they are. Al-Cid likes the banana smoothies best.

But of course, Vayne would never know the beauty of smoothies, because he's too thick-headed and stupid- not to mention a Michael Jackson wannabe- and he was deprived of smoothies. And Little Vayne was deprived of smoothies because when Vayne was a child he had eating problems. Not that the Consul _didn't _eat. It was that Vayne ate _too much_. Yes, Vayne was an obese child. Al-Cid knows this because Al-Cid 'googles' him. That sounded wrong, didn't it?

Al-Cid watches in dismay as Ratty gets dragged into a pit fight with some rude, obnoxious Seeqs. Of course, here comes mighty Balthier to save the day. Without him, Ratty Ratsbane would be dead, no? You don't believe me? Well, let's reflect.

Ratty steals treasure. Now, if the Icelandic bunny and the James Bond wannabe hadn't crashed the party, Ratty would've made out with the treasure and been able to buy Penelo the Swede and Ol' Blue the Bangaa a nice turkey dinner. Right? Wrong. Our not-so-dashing young street urchin would've gaped for a good twenty minutes at the magicite before attempting to high-tail is way out of there. But because Ratty is such a thick-headed, arrogant jerk, he would've taken far too much treasure than he could carry. Now, this would not bode well, for, the soldiers would chase after Ratty, who would be running, but leaving a trail of treasure behind him in his wake. _Obviously _Ratty Ratsbane would get caught and thrown in Nalbina. This brings us back to the present. If Balthier has _not _been there to jump in all gangster style and help Vaan, our dear protagonist would have his skull smashed in by some filthy prison Seeqs. Duh.

Al-Cid gasps. It's Gabranth, the Captain Fon Ronsenburg POSER who's really a judge. Al-Cid scoffs at Judge Gabranth. He's working with some fearsome and unruly Bangaa who are hunting for dear Balthier. Gabranth is a Basch wannabe. Wannabes are secretly posers in disguise. But then again, Al-Cid is a Tony Soprano wannabe.

Of course, Ratty questions Fran's knowledge of Mist and Ivalice and such. Al-Cid coos, Bunansa defends the Viera from Ratty, and she looks so SMITTEN with him! As Al-Cid as said many, many, times before, if there was _any _romance in this adventure, they would _so _be together. You know who else would be together? Larsa and Penelo. She's smitten with him. But Ratty Ratsbane is smitten with him too… or so I think. Whatever, Larsa may choose the Swede or the rat. Al-Cid honestly doesn't care. It could be a love triangle that works every way.

Holy Italian shoes! Is that _Basch Fon Ronsenburg_!? _The _Basch Fon Ronsenburg? He looks like a homeless man. A pitiful excuse for a knight.

Ex-knight.

Same thing.

Al-Cid has informed you all on Ratty's intelligence level, right? Well, here he goes displaying that _very_ low level of brain power. Let Al-Cid ask you all this, when you're trying to escape quietly from a heavily guarded dungeon, do _you _jumps on cages and _scream _like nobody's business? Excusing the fact that you people don't get yourselves tossed into nasty dungeons, you wouldn't, would you? But of course, Ratty doesn't understand the fact that the caged man has _obviously _thought about his _brother's_ action. He's been in there for two years, what _else _would he do? Talk to his imaginary friend Jingle Bells? Cap'n Basch doesn't have an imaginary friend named Jingle Bells, as far as we know, but Al-Cid has an imaginary friend named Victor.

Les gasp, the soldiers came.

No way, no WAY! Oh. Em. Guggenheim. That was the _best _line _ever_. _EVER_. Al-Cid wants that line! How cool would it be to say 'pirates without a sky' before leaping into a pit onto a falling cage?!

Really cool, that's how cool.

Stupid Vaan. Attacking poor, innocent Basch. OH MY SHIT LUCY'S- oh phew. Sky man saved the Cap'n from a sucker punch, about to be given to him by Ratty Ratsbane.

Stupid Ratty Ratsbane.

Ew, why does this journey _always _take place in the sketchy, filthy, disgustingly dirty areas of Ivalice? Why couldn't any of this take place in Rozzaria? They never go to the pretty places like Bhujerba until later. Sigh.

No one _enjoys _running around in germ-infested caves, pits and dungeons.

Barheim Passage is underneath Nalbina… who knew? Al-Cid didn't. Al-Cid apparently didn't know a lot of things about Ivalice. Like the fact that Eruyt Village is in Golmore Jungle? Did you know that? You did? Oh. Al-Cid needs to get out more…

This place is filthy; Al-Cid does not want to see it. Al-Cid will write more when they get out of this cruel, malicious place. Al-Cid bids you farewell, and good luck with your lives.

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Reviews are love.


	4. Fashion Sense

**Author's Note: **This story is just so much fun to write. Ranting. But not just ranting, ranting from AL-CID'S POV. So, in this chapter I tried splitting it from Al-Cid talking in third person view to first person view- to try it out. I'm not sure I like it… tell me what you think. ANYWAYS, a reviewer said that Al-Cid talking in the third person made him sound like Mr. T- that made me laugh SO HARD! I never noticed that, but now that I have, it's hard to keep a straight face when I'm proof-reading. I added in a special comment from Al-Cid 'Mr. T style', you'll know when you read it. NOTE: I still want to reply to every kind review, but I can't if they're anonymous. Oh well.

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Fashion Sense 

Our party has made it successfully out of Barheim. Although, it is worthy to note that Basch stole clothing, armour and weaponry from a dead guy. Yes, former military captain resorted to 'stealing' from a deceased old chap. Could you even call that stealing? Perhaps if we were in an alternate universe where dead people turned into zombies and were used to do daily chores like washing airships. But no, we, the populace, are in Ivalice- at least… Al-Cid thinks you are. Another worthy thing to mention, after Basch changed into the lifeless man's clothing, Cap'n had a _flashback_. Yes, you heard Al-Cid right, a flashback. I, Al-Cid Margrace, witnessed a very choppily put together flashback. And what did this flashback contain, you ask? Nothing useful- just the blatant obvious that Basch _didn't kill the king_, duh.

Has Al-Cid told you all about Basch's fashion sense? He doesn't really have one. Why don't we watch a sequence you can't view in my mind? Let's. We start years ago at a Royal Palace, seeing Captain Fon Ronsenburg, clad in neon orange shorts. For some bizarre reason his cadets are sporting leather bra-like… things. Now, let's move to when Basch was in a cage. Well, there's nothing to really note, he wasn't wearing much- but check out his _hair_, it's not very well kept, I _know _he's been locked away in a dungeon for two years- but Vayne could've sent some barbers down. In Rozzaria we trim up all our prisoners' hair, so it doesn't grow unruly. Checking out our current Basch, his hair's not much better, and he's clothed in a perished man's garments. That's a step up for Ronsenburg. Shifting to the future, Basch will be dressed in a red jacket-like item, with some sort of a _pot holder _on him. Also, he will have a pant tassle attached to his jacket… vest… thing.

While on the topic of fashion, why don't we discuss the party's sense of style while they traverse the Estersand? Okay? Okay.

We start with Vaan. Firstly, are you aware of how much I want to yell at him to _put a shirt on_?! But, I suppose if he was wearing an actual shirt, we wouldn't know if he was a girl or boy. Androgynous little teenager.

Moving to Balthier- I believe he has the most style in the entire group. I have full respect for his pants- Al-Cid should contact him to form a leather pants club. And his blouse is just _beautiful_, not to mention the fine detail in the vest. Al Cid has never seen such gorgeous and stunning features. Scratch our leather pants club- Balthier and I should form a fashionista club. We could call it 'Club Fashionista'.

My next target- Fran. Al-Cid would not call that _clothing_… more like… armour… that covers her entire body. It's the way her species works- let's leave her and her 'style' be.

Penelo is not _currently _in the party, but let's review her fashion sense. A leather body suit- most people would believe that's strange, but Al-Cid _adores _leather. The wing things on her shoulders frighten Al-Cid a little, but I believe they are there for aerodynamics.

Last but not least, Ashelia B'Nargin Dalmasca. Again, she is not currently in the party, but we've met her, so there. Anyways, there are so many items of clothing on her; Al-Cid does not know where to begin. Well, to start that _hideous _colour of magenta that she calls a skirt. A skirt that is barely there- way to encourage the perverts out there Ashelia. Her stupid little jacket-vest thing (They _all _have jacket-vest things, don't they? Vaan, Basch _and _Ashelia do! Balthier's is not a jacket-like vest thing though… it's more… just a vest… it could be a horrendous jacket-vest thing) doesn't cover much either. Now that Al-Cid regards the stupid jacket-vest-thing, it's not really a jacket-vest-thing… it's her _shirt_! Holy moogles! By the gods Ashelia, COVER YOURSELF!

Oh. The party has reached Rabanastre. Al-Cid was having _fun_ judging everyone's fashion styles! Sigh, carrying on, everyone except Vaan runs off to attend to their own business. Ratsbane does not, because he doesn't have any. So now stupid old Ratty goes in search of Penelo the Swede, only to find the boy-who-shakes-too-much.

I miss the comrades of this journey.

Ratty can't find blondey, so he goes in search of the frightening elder _again_. Who would _choose _to live in such an eerie, spine-chilling, disturbing place? He didn't choose, did he? That _Vayne's _fault. You know what? ALL of this is Vayne's fault. The Consul is a dense person- as he needs a haircut and can't run Dalmasca. _Sure_, that speech we missed because Al-Cid skipped it was _moving_… in a way. Everyone clapped for him after the speech, out of PITY! Pity, I tell you, _PITY_. Al-Cid pities the fool. Yes, Al-Cid considers the fact that everyone hates him, but it's _his _fault.

At last, Ratty leaves the brittle dwelling and runs off to find the resistance and give them a shiny, brand-spanking new sword. Meh, Al-Cid wants a sword.

No.

Way.

IT'S BASCH FON RONSENBURG!

SPORTING A PANT TASSLE!

Here, we behold a testosterone-filled argument between Basch and the other guy with no fashion sense. Get the popcorn; it's going to be intense. You know, you'd better put some flavouring on your popcorn, like barbecue or… sour cream and onion! Al-Cid puts ketchup flavouring on his popcorn. GASP! Al-Cid dropped his popcorn when the chaps with no fashion sense had a little show-down eye-to-eye slashy thing! You know what Al-Cid means.

Basch won.

No, really, Cap'n OWNED the other guy.

In turn, Basch gets the sword, as a sign for higher levels of manliness.

Thick-headed men.

Yes, Al-Cid is a man, but I am no thick-head. I am Al-Cid Margrace, the finest Prince in all of Ivalice, and because Al-Cid Margrace is tired, Al-Cid Margrace shall take a needed sleep. I, Al-Cid, take my leave.

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I find Vaan androgynous. If he wasn't wearing that stupid jacket-vest-thing, we wouldn't really know. Larsa's androgynous in my opinion too; I honestly thought he was a girl! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it, reviews are very much appreciated! 


	5. Romance Is Overrated

**Author's Note: **Gah, I'm sorry this took so long and that it's so short. It's just been a hectic week, I've been at the hospital multiple nights for various reasons. And for once none of them ME! WOOT. Hem hem. Anyways, on with the chapter!**

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**Romance Is Overrated **

What the hell is 'Vaasch'? The director told me that moment Basch and Vaan shared was a 'Vaasch' moment. Is it some sort of innuendo for something? It looks like a combination of 'Vaan' and 'Basch'… is that suggesting… Vaan and Basch… should be… TOGETHER? Al-Cid goes into hysterics at the thought of this. Firstly, Al-Cid would like you to consider the fact that that is considered rape.

As far as Al-Cid is aware, Cap'n Crunch of Dalmasca is no rapist.

Second, Basch is _such _a manly man; there would be an _**EXPLOSION**_ of testosterone. Al-Cid does not joke. Explosion of testosterone. Detonation of testosterone. Massive outburst of testosterone. Al-Cid cannot think of any other synonyms for explosion.

Moving on- who thinks up these names for 'parings' anyways? It takes skill to combine words and make them sound so cool you know. And how do they become such well known terms? If someone told me than this was a 'Banelo' Al-Cid would not know what the hell that meant. Al-Cid would like to mention there is no Balthier and Penelo romance in this story- that would be considered rape as well. Al-Cid also believes someone like Balthier would NOT fall for Penelo the Swede; the anti-gravity hair must affect their relationship. It scares Al-Cid.

Right, well, you know what else disturbfies Al-Cid? The "romance" between Larsa and myself.

That is also considered rape.

Al-Cid is no rapist.

The Prince of Archadia is _twelve_. Al-Cid doubts Larsa has experienced love. Although, for young teenagers, it is considered 'lust'- not love. Like in Romeo and Juliet. That is not love. That is _lust_. I mean, they meet each other, and only a little over _twenty hours _later they _elope_. Well, that's _smart_. And then spaced-out Juliet discovers OH NO! Her cousin Tibalt (who surprisingly looks like Basch in a certain version of the movie) is dead and Romeo is banished- so she decides there is _nothing to live for anymore_ and fakes her death. Without telling Romeo. Woe is Romeo, he kills himself. Juliet then kills herself because he killed himself because he thinks she killed herself.

Talk about _drama_.

Feh, romance is _so _overrated.

Anyways, we missed Migelo scolding the sky pirates. Stupid Migelo. It's not Balthier's fault dumb old Penelo cried about dumb old Vaan and then got captured by some _other _stupid Bangaas. Really Migelo, they're _Bangaas_, like _you_, aren't they your second cousins twice removed or something? Control your family, Big and Blue.

See? Balthier's going to reject-

SAY WHAT?

Did Balthier just _agree _to go _save _Penelo the Swede?

Al-Cid did not know that. What has the world come to?

Anyways- BY THE GODS, DID THAT MAN JUST SAY THAT?Al-Cid does not _believe _it. Arbitrary Rabanastran #28 is _such _a perverted little Rabanastran. Why would he even _know _that? I mean, would you be disturbed, if you were Ratty, speaking to an innocent-_looking _man and he said _that_? What do you mean you don't know what Al-Cid is talking about? Didn't you see what- oh. You didn't.

Well, Arbitrary Rabanastran #28 said to Ratty Ratsbane "Is that Balthier Bunansa?" and than said something about what a skilled pilot Balthier is, and _then _said "And the rest… is for when you're older…"

Al-Cid knows.

It's perverted.

In case you're unaware of the situation that man just explained, well, Al-Cid does not think you _should _know. Ahem. Yeah, that.

Al-Cid coughs awkwardly.

Well, Al-Cid decides to take a nap while our party travels to Bhujerba in an airship. Al-Cid bids you adieu.

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I kind of forgot most of the line that random guy says... oh well. HE DOES SAY IT THOUGH! If you talk to this random guy at this point in the game near the little alcove Balthier's in- he SAYS it. No joke. 


	6. Feminism With The Prince

**Author's Note: **I'm in mourning. Heath Ledger's dead. Heath Leder was a beautiful person, I still can't believe he's gone. Last chapter I had 'Tibalt' down in the Romeo and Juliet rant, it's actually 'Tybalt'. Yeeeaaaahhhh. Anyways, I was in the mood to write this because I took a trip to… TEH HOLY STAPLES! Ah, office supplies stores, people think I'm strange, but I love them. They smell like paper. Cough. Okay, I'm done babbling and rambling and not getting straight to the point, on with the chapter!

Wait, not yet. I want to do shout-outs to my lovely reviewers! First, to my two amazingly continuous reviewers crazygunbladergirl and Angel Dumott Schunard Collins. And to my many other reviewers who brightened my day: AikoShinobi, Saemi and Melomancer. You all get smoothies, compliments from Al-Cid and the Rozzaria prison.

_Now_, on with the chapter…

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**Feminism With The Prince**

They're off to see Bhujerba… the wonderful Bhujerba of… Ivalice… yay…

Ahem.

Right.

Well, our little band of misfits is off to the Sky-City of Bhujerba, which means we the viewers get a _nice _view. Mm-hm. Not the creepy, crawly dungeons infested with fiends and monsters that have green saliva. Who's excited? Al-Cid is excited. Perhaps the people of Bhujerba have smoothie stands. How exciting would that be? You know, I bet you all ponder where Al-Cid views these from. Well, Al-Cid is living in a secret area hidden in the vast jungles of the Golmore Jungle. With a large TV the director of this journey has supplied me with. In this small shelter there is a very comfortable bed, a refrigerator, various kitchen supplies and appliances, and of course, a smoothie machine. Yes, a smoothie machine. It can make banana, blue-raspberry, strawberry, cherry, orange, grape, lemon and even MOOGLE flavours of smoothies. Yes, you heard Al-Cid right. Moogle flavoured smoothies. Because, according to an unknown source (COUGH- the bus, with Panda (Angel Dumott Schunard Collins)) cannibalism will be legal in the future.

Turning the conversation with myself away from cannibalism, the Strahl has landed in Bhujerba- a round of applause for piloting 'skillz' on Balthier and Fran's part.

Les gasp! 'Tis LARSA! Oh joy, the prince is here. Alright, this is the point where many people mistake Larsa for a girl. I mean, he acts like a girl, looks like a girl, dresses like a girl, sounds like a girl, and if his clothing extenuated curves like most female characters in these adventures, he would be purely a cross-dressing character. Al-Cid is serious. Although, these adventures are fairly sexist- well not _sexist _but… certainly not feminist. Take Ashelia and Fran's outfitting, I believe most females would _never _wear things like that in the modern place you people live in- the world á la real people.

On the topic of feminism, Al-Cid _hates _it in stories when the women fawn over the men. I mean, that's hardly ever true, boys _aallllwwwaaayyyysssssss _have to pine after a girl for a long time before she takes notice. Women do not fawn. They crush. Difference. Al-Cid is aware is sounds like a feminist, and he is. Al-Cid, supporting women _**EVERYWHERE!**_ WOOOOOOOOOO!

Ahem.

So, we're back to these scary dungeon-like areas. This time an abandoned _mine _no one goes in because of MONSTERS.

Stupid monsters.

Alright, let's just skip the mines, shall we? There's no real plot development, we'll resume when Migelo's second cousins come back. Ah, here they are. What the hell is that? It looks like a circular chainsaw attached to a pole. Hey, at least they get points for originality.

If Al-Cid were in their position, Al-Cid would take Balthier's advice and _run_. Run very far and very fast away. Follow Larsa perhaps. He seems to be running very fast. Run like wind, bulls-eye!

That was fast. They're out. Aw, how sweet- Larsa's hitting on Penelo! Larsa and Penelo sittin' in a tree- OW! Al-Cid just felt a rock hit his head. Our view changes to face the side of Al-Cid's jungle-home, where Larsa is standing, clad in pyjamas, tossing rocks up and down and twitching. Creeeeeeeeeeeepy.

Moving back to the adventure, here we are, spreading Basch's notoriety.

Wait, what?

Way to discriminate against Basch. Seriously, throughout this game they torture his poor, defeated soul. First his brother back-stabs him, then he gets plummeted down a pit on a cage, don't even get Al-Cid started on his clothing, and now _this_. Poor, poor, Cap'n Crunch of Dalmasca. Al-Cid pities him.

While on the topic of Basch, Basch looks like Tybalt. Yes, yes, Al-Cid is back on the topic of Shakespeare, but Al-Cid only has one more thing to say about Romeo and Juliet- Mervolio. The yaoi pairing- created by a friend of Al-Cid's person who types up his inner monologues- of Mercutio and Benvolio. Although it was completely an accident, it could happen. Watch a certain version of the movie, Mercutio keeps _touching _Benvolio on the thigh, it's rather sketchy.

Anyways, Ol' Ratty gets dragged off to a dark-looking bar by some gangster secretive Bhujerba people. Al-Cid shall refer to them as the Sky-Mob.

So, Ratty's way-cooler-than-him comrades save himAgain.

Al-Cid shakes his head in dismay.

Well, while the group is conversing with the Sky-Mob, Al-Cid shall make himself a smoothie. This is the Prince of Rozzaria, signing off.

* * *

Al-Cid supporting women, everywhere. XD. R&R! 


	7. Narration Companions & The Hero Faction

MYNAHAAAAWWZZZ. WAZZUP PALZ. I'MZ HAVING SOME Z MOMENTZ HAAHAHAZ. Sorry. Hope you likez it?

--

_Narration Companions & the Hero Faction_

--

Good evening/day/morning. Whatever the time of day it is wherever youare, that time is the time where you can stop, sit back and listen to Al-Cid's glorious narration of this adventure. What to call you? Listeners? Watchers? Readers? These expressions do not give Al-Cid a fuzzy feeling inside. Al-Cid shall dub you 'narration companions'.

Narration Companions.

Al-Cid likes it.

Anyways, Ratty didn't have his liver removed by the Sky Mob because his _friends and party members _arrived _just in time _with some witty lines from Balthier, the intense stares from Fran and with Basch's general prescene. These three things combined have earned the partay an audience with Ondore.

Al-Cid doesn't likepolitics (though some would call Al-Cid a politician) because they are full of bullcrap and boring. But here, when Ondore is discussing politics, it's less boring because Ondore has a super-fly accent that totally qualifies him for Club-Awesome-Accents, since he's managing to make all this _"BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-__**WAR**__-BLAH-BLAH-__**RESISTANCE**__-BLAH-__**ASHE**__-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH!"_stuff fun to listen to.

Either way, Al-Cid thinks we should skip it.

Let's be democratic and vote on it!

All in favour of skipping? Al-Cid, the smoothie machine, and Chuck Norris. Three votes. All who want to bear witness to Ondore's almost-interesting-politics? Hm, Martha Stewart. She's under house-arrest, that can't count.

Fast-forward-ing to the… Dreadnaught… Leviathan…

Aha. Haa. That's a great postcard: _"Wish you were here, the Dreadnaught Leviathan is party __**central**__."_

On a heroic rescure journey to save "AMALIA" and got the party imprisoned _again_. Recurring theme, _much?_

At least this place is cleaner than Nalbina. That Vayne, letting his prisoners violently club each other's skulls in for sport, _what a guy_.

F.Y.I. captivity plus pit fights is not everyone's idea of _fun times_.

Cap'n Crunch getting baggage-slapped by the one he might secretly be madly in love with so just brought Al-Cid out of his mental images and Vayne-bashing.

Al-Cid believes that Ashelia has been paired up every single character in this cast of characters. It happens ever so often in the pieces of fanfiction Al-Cid was conned into reading. The girl has been paired with Basch to Balthier to Fran to Vossler to Rasler to Ratty to Penelo. _Just because _everybody flirts with Ashe _doesn't mean _she's madly in love with all of them.

But back to out party's incarceration.

It really isn't fair, capturing all these sort-of-innocent sky pirates and not-so-traitorous-traitors and Aladdin. But to be honest, Ashelia is the only one who can be blamed for involving all these now-freedom-fighting rebels in the underlying reclaiming-Dalmasca-resistance. Perhaps not intentionally, but by the Occuria, if she hadn't jumped into little Ratty Ratsbane's arms and sliced and diced her way through those pathetic Imperials instead, our intrepid sky pirates would be flying around in their airship being joyous and free, while Aladdin went home with a nice amount of treasure to buy Penny and Migelo dinner. On the other hand, Cap'n Crunch would be sitting in his cage with his cave-man-gear on thinking about how much his life sucks.

Would Ratty, Balthier and Fran have got their rescue on to save Penny the Swede? Would the intrepid duo plus Ratty meet Larsa and question his gender before dismissing him because the mighty Cap'n was not with them? Or would the Cap'n have been with them anyways? Perhaps this was all inevitable…

But if Ashelia hadn't jumped into Ratty's pale, grungy arms would the escapees have escaped? This is like one of those second-person mystery books where you can choose your fate, but without being able to flipping back a couple pages and not accidentally getting burned to death in an inferno by the evil juggling-clown who can breathe _blue fire_. That can't happen because _this is a virtual fantasy projection of real life_.

Focussing our attention back to the actually adventure, our courageous little party have managed to kick some armoured butt all the way into Ashe's cell. In this pitiful cell block, we get to meet some other P.O.W.s. Apart from the Princess, Vayne has prisoned some moogles (who just _happen_ to be _stocked _with potions), a save crystal so that our party will cheat death if they all die and a couple treasure pots.

_How utterly convenient._

Oh Vayne, you've caged _treasure pots_? They slept with your imaginary spouse, didn't they? You should behead them with your guillotine. _Oh wait_, Rozzarians invented it, so _you don't have it_.

The Hero Faction (as Al-Cid has officially dubbed them) has rescued Ashelia, who joined TEAM FUEGO (pseudo-stealth name of the Hero Faction). Vossler joins as a temporary player, so he doesn't get a tee-shirt.

Let Al-Cid make this clear to you all, Vossler is a two-faced lummox who is in desperate need of a _hobby_. Al-Cid will dub him the 'Armoured Ass'.

Oh _noes_.

Al-Cid has to bid adieu, for the Faction must traverse their way through the Leviathan, an airship jam-packed with deathly laser traps, guards who are _obviously _being mass produced somehow because _they never run out of them_.

Adieu, Narration Companions.


	8. Childish Tendencies

Author's Note: Why, look how fast that update was

**Author's Note: **It's kind of on the short-ish side, I guess. But anyways, I miss watching Gumby and Pokey. Prickle was my favourite.

**Childish Tendencies**

So, _finally _our little heroes have marched their way through the Leviathan, hacking away at the guards that come out of nowhere. We also met up with Larsa, who returned Penelo to the party. Al-Cid wanted your opinion; shall we consider Penelo the Swede part of The Hero Faction? Or call it 'The Hero Faction plus Penelo'?

Al-Cid is torn between the two.

Well, Al-Cid shall decide later, our party has conquered Golden Boy (we know him as Judge Ghis, but he feels the need to clad himself in hardly practical golden armour) and have escaped on a puny little runt of a ship and have flown back to Bhujerba.

Before we continue, Al-Cid would to inform you all with grave sadness, that somehow the Power Rangers have been reduced to a party of three. Yes, you heard Al-Cid correctly. Al-Cid's heart has been shattered by such news. Our dearest pink, green and black Power Rangers are no longer part of the six.

Has Al-Cid convinced you that Penelo has an obsession with Balthier? No? Well, let Al-Cid inform you on said obsession. You see, she approaches him, acting shy, in order to give him back his _handkerchief_. When you give someone back a handkerchief, do you make it out to be a big deal? I think not. But anyways, as great an actor Balthier is, I believe he may have been just a little creeped out by the whole 'here's your handkerchief back, _Balthiieeerrr_…'. Although, Balthier didn't seem too… overzealous with fear.

If it had been Al-Cid given a handkerchief back by Penelo the Swede, Al-Cid would not have said 'I shall keep it close to my heart', no, Al-Cid would've said 'I shall keep it close to my dry clea- _heart_. Heart, yes, _heart_.'

Secretly, though, Al-Cid wouldn't even keep it close to the dry cleaning gracing his back, _no_, Al-Cid would set the handkerchief on fire, tie it to a rock and whip it from the highest platform in the Ogir-Yensa Sandsea.

Hopefully, it would be lost in the desert sands.

Or possibly, if you can recall something Al-Cid mentioned earlier, dearest Narration Companions, when Penelo discovered Ratty's remains atop the funeral pyre built in honour of Beowulf by the Yensas, she would also discover a rock at its base. The same rock that has the handkerchief tied to it. Of course, after several years, the piece of fabric would be rather beaten up, but to a certain extent, it would look like the handkerchief. And of course, Penelo the Swede would just _know_ what it was. And then after returning to Rabanastre with the material and Ratty Ratsbane's remains, she would go to Rozzaria and hunt Al-Cid down. Al-Cid would be doomed.

But Al-Cid has not been given a handkerchief by Penny the Swede, so the whole situation in the impending future is avoided.

…Al-Cid _still _cannot believe the loss of a Power Ranger.

So anyways, the party is back at Ondore's, and the good old Marquis is being a feisty uncle and not letting Ashelia fly the coop.

But of course, Narration Companions, as you are all aware, Ashelia is a key component in The Hero Faction (plus Penelo). Al-Cid is sure you are all aware that somehow, dear little I'm-not-dead-_yet _Princess of the fallen kingdom of Dalmasca worms her way out of staying with her super-awesome uncle.

Here we go, time to get the plot rolling.

Wait. She's stealing The Strahl?

Al-Cid is positive that Ashelia B'Nargin Dalmasca has less skill in piloting an airship than Ratty. And you're all aware of Ratty's severe lack of flight skills.

Oh dear, a slightly emotional conversation between the two non-flyers… that Al-Cid shall tune out and instead have a moment of silence for the lost Power Rangers.

…

…

…

Okay, Al-Cid is done.

Balthier's interrupted the thievery, anyways. Annnnnddd… Ashe… asks… to be kidnapped.

Uno momento, Al-Cid shall replay that.

…

She said it.

Oh, wow.

Well, anyways, Sky-Man is kidnapping Ashelia. And Ratty, Icelandic Bunny Chick, Cap'n Crunch and Penelo the Swede are joining in on this. Pretty awesome contriving right there.

So Al-Cid cannot wait until there's a super-dramatic plot twist that throws every thing out of whack. It's that one, teeny little thing that sends everything you've done thus far in an adventure to the grave.

As melodramatic as that sounded, Al-Cid is getting pumped for it.

So, two things here are important to note here.

One being the fact that the Strahl has a _voice-changer_.

The second being the fact that _the Power Rangers have been reduced to three! _Al-Cid is so very deep in despair.

So anyways, back to the voice-changer. How amazingly super-cool would it be to have a voice-changer? You could pretend to be Darth Vader. Darth. Freaking. Vader. Sith lord. Master of the darkness and all that. Or even better, one could pretend to be Bugs Bunny. Or Donald Duck. Or some other Looney Tunes Star.

Al-Cid knows what you are all pondering, 'Al-Cid, you are so very handsome and intelligent, how could you watch such childish shows intended for such small people?' But in complete truth, little people shows are brilliant. They contain great life lessons. Or, at least they used to. Who remembers the good old days of Gumby and Pokey? Pokey, the orange, pessimistic horse, and then there was Gumby, the cheerful little green slab of clay. And who could forget Gumby's friends, Prickle and Goo? Ah, they were made for each other, Prickle and Goo were.

Sometimes, Al-Cid believes he is a romantic little feminist at heart.

But Al-Cid is a manly prince who has manly chest hair.

…

Al-Cid begs you, narration companions, ignore that comment.

GASP! Narration Companions! Power Rangers is on! Please, do excuse Al-Cid, as he would very much enjoy some time to view this program. Shall we continue narrating this adventure another time? Al-Cid shall narrate, and you have no choice but to listen, as this is not a democracy, it is a dictatorship, AND AL-CID IS THE DICTATOR!

HA!

…

That is all.


	9. Rozzarian Customs

_Customs & Muffins_

--

Al-Cid feels so very in the know, and so should you, fellow Narration Companions. Whilst the Hero Faction (no longer plus Penelo, for she hereby has the status of hero, as christened so by Al-Cid) was setting off in the Strahl, we, the observers, came to witness a scene not witnessed by our party. Doesn't it you feel so very proud? Al-Cid knows it makes Al-Cid feel proud.

This scared scene viewed only by the viewers of this epic journey, yet not the epic journeyers themselves, contained an interesting information exchange between the emperor of Archadia and the Captain Crunch of Dalmasca wannabe. Though, Gabranth would rather crunch the Cap'n of Dalmasca then be Cap'n Crunch of Dalmasca. So, Gabranth would actually be Cap'n Crunch of Archadia. Al-Cid can no longer deem Gabranth as a wannabe, then. That depresses Al-Cid quite a bit.

Anyways, we have discovered that Mr. Emperor does not want Vayne to take his position when his coughing disease slowing kills him. Al-Cid does not understand how one can die from excessive coughing, but as it seems, Mr. Emperor is dying from such.

On a separate, un-related note, Al-Cid has discovered the perfect song for Penny the Swede. The title of said musical piece is 'Tiny Dancer', by the one and only Elton John, whom Al-Cid greatly respects, due to his fashion choices.

Back on relevant subject matter, the Hero Faction has gracefully sailed into Jagd and have parked the Strahl in front of some sand. The sand will signal the Strahl's location, apparently, but Al-Cid cannot comprehend how our party will figure out _which _sand, seeing as the Sandsea of Ogir-Yensa is _all _sand. Apart from some oil domes, or whatever they have been dubbed.

Oh my, must they traverse across the entire expanse of the Ogir-Yensa _and _Nam-Yensa Sandseas? How unfortunate.

At least the elongated amounts of time spent scurrying across the sand will be spent by us Narration Companions joyously. Al-Cid believes you are all wondering 'Why, Al-Cid, you gorgeous prince, how are we going to experience joy at such a time?' Well, Al-Cid shall elaborate on various things concerning the adventure.

Joyous, no?

Carrying on, the first thing Al-Cid would like to mention is Iron Man. Why, you ask, is Al-Cid mentioning Iron Man? Simply because the starring character, played by a one Robert Downey Junior, is of the same level of gorgeous as Al-Cid. You see, Al-Cid has been searching for someone on that level, so as not to be alone.

That is all that has to be said on Iron Man, or as the French say, Homme en Fer. It would sound better as Fer Homme, but that would be incorrect French grammar.

Al-Cid is so multi-cultural.

The second thing Al-Cid would like to mention is how ripped off this storyline is from Star Wars. Well, perhaps not the story line, more or less… the characters. Balthier is Han Solo, which makes Fran Chewbacca… thus making the Viera Wookies. Ashe is Leia, Larsa is Luke, Cap'n Crunch of Archadia is Darth Vader, Vayne is Senator Palpatine, Reddas is Lando and Dr. C is Darth Maul. But that would mean that if Balthier and Fran were to be together, then that would be subliminally suggesting that Han Solo and Chewbacca are together…

Al-Cid shudders at the thought.

Straying away from the wonders of George Lucas, Al-Cid thinks that we should just skip through this adventuring-through-the-sand rubbish.

Shall we be democratic? No. Al-Cid, as the dictator, dictates that we shall skip it.

Al-Cid feels powerful.

Halt, did Al-Cid catch a glimpse of the Armoured Ass? Al-Cid did catch a glimpse of him! He looks like a water buffalo. The preferred fruit of choice for water buffalo are watermelon. In case you were wondering, Narration Companions.

Perhaps Al-Cid should have an on-going fact of the chronicled narration entry.

Skipping the Nam-Yensa Sandsea, we shall fast forward ourselves to the entry of Raithwall's Tomb. Oh joy, another dark, dirty, monster-infested, dungeon-like area. How cliché.

Oh, that is pleasantly frightening. A Demon Wall. Al-Cid can only imagine the brutality of being mercilessly crushed by such a monster. Really, Al-Cid thinks that Raithwall- which sounds disturbingly like Ring Wraith- had excessive defenses. Honestly, a _wall? _Correction, two walls. And if both are activated, then both could smash against each other, shattering our party into fragments of flesh.

There is a mental image invading Al-Cid's mind that he does not wish to have.

Al-Cid wonders why Ring Wraith hid so much treasure and such in his tomb, for he is dead. Such treasure could be used to pay taxes and fund wars. It could even be used to do something charitable, like feeding the homeless Moogles.

Rozzarians do not have unnecessary items donning our tombs, nay, when one of us perishes, our bodies our laid to rest in our Memorial Garden. Though Al-Cid oftentimes refers to it as the 'Garden of Death, Doom, Destruction and Despair', or 'Garden á la 4-D' for short. This Garden is decorated with flowers, and many a crypts lie in its midst. We do not have scary possessed walls and monsters protecting our bodies, we do not have secretive hard-to-reach locations for tombs, and we most certainly do _not _waste our treasures by leaving them with the dead. It is custom to bury the dead of Rozzaria in whatever it is they died in, no questions asked.

What is _that? _If demon walls were not enough, Ring Wraith must have an Esper do defend his corpse? By the Occuria, it's pointless!

If Rozzaria was under control of an Esper, then Rozzaria would use it to defeat our enemies, such as Archadia and Vayne the Pompous Pansy.

Wait a moment; this Esper is named _Belias the Gigas? _

That's a little gauche.

At least Ashelia is a Dalmascan Desert Bloom, as opposed to an Archadian Cactus (Al-Cid is a Rozzarian Venus Fly-Trap). For then she would not be in the same blood line as Ring-Wraith, thus making this trip extremely awkward. Though, the Armoured Ass has been insisting on poking fun at Han Solo (the pirate edition) and Icelandic Chewie.

They are sky pirates. They want treasure, and they will steal treasure, Ashelia has permitted them to do so. It is not _their _fault that Mr. Ring Wraith just _had _to bury all of his valuables in one place, in a mildly accessible place.

Huzzah! Belias the Gigas is no more!

I agree, Han Solo, treasure with a price is better than priceless treasure. Who wants priceless treasure, anyways? Al-Cid believes that is an 'oxy-moron'. Having priceless treasure would be like having tasteless muffins.

Rozzarian muffins are quite tasty, as we are famous for them, similar to our smoothie-situation. Al-Cid prefers the banana-chocolate chip muffins.

Perhaps, in honor of our party's first Esper, Al-Cid shall bake celebratory muffins. Narration Companions, what kind of muffins do you enjoy? Request a flavour, friends. Perhaps Al-Cid should have a muffin-flavour contest. Yes, that is what Al-Cid shall do. The most supreme muffin flavour shall be mentioned by Al-Cid in his next writings to you.

Ciao, darlings.


	10. Author's Really Cool Note

_A Note From Ye Old Author…_

Uno, my penname has changed again.

Duo, something has been randomly killing my stories off. Several of them have been mercilessly deleted for no apparent reason. (This include Clandestine Associates, for anyone who's been wondering where that went.) Let's hope the same thing doesn't happen to Foreign Perspectives, Al-Cid would cry.

Three-o, the next chapter has been started, and my last final is tomorrow. so it'll be up within a week. (Chemistry, woe is me)

Quatro, I just wanted to write quatro. (It's probably not even a word, I just like it.)

Cinqo, I'm slowly rewriting all previous chapters to have less grammatical mistakes, more jokes and more awesome. Watch the author's notes, I'll notify y'all.

That is all.

Have a wonderful day, and may your house not explode.


	11. T Rated Innuendos

Okay, okay, the name is like, WHAT THE HECK BOOTSY WHAT ARE YOU ON but I swear it's not.

--

_T-Rated Innuendos_

--

Al-Cid does not understand the concept of a mini-map. Having a _map _blearing across the upper-right hand corner of your vision might be _useful_, but it's _really distracting_. Is it possible for it to be removed? Do you just go to your local pharmacist and ask for mini-map-pills?

Speaking of disease, that is a stupid status effect. It's a cheap and _dirty _trick, and for the longest time Al-Cid did not know _what it did._ Who invented the _absolutely evil_ idea of status effects, anyways? Al-Cid can picture the first races on Ivalice.

_"I'm bored."  
"Me too."  
"Want to invent some stuff that hinders different aspects of others' abilities?"  
"...Okay!"_

Uncool, guys.

Al-Cid would probably _die _if he was immobilized, _what if Al-Cid had an itchy nose?_

And _blind _sounds _really really bad _and Al-Cid hasn't a clue why. Is it cured with Visine, or similar medication? Al-Cid can picture the commercial:

_"Blinded by a zombie? There's a Visine for that too!"_

Those apalling advertisments, listing the side effects _so fast _that the only ones you can catch are _death _and_ anal leakage_. Which does not encourage Al-Cid to purchase Visine or any other medicines. Medicine are even worse than those Restoration Hardware commercials that have that man _dancing like a loser-geek _and the Canadian Tire advertisements that were aired every other commercial break a few years back:

_"WELL GEE, SON, MY WINDOWS ARE DIRTY."  
"WELL GEE, DAD, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?"  
"WELL GEE, SON, LET'S GO TO CANADIAN TIRE!"_

Initiate monotone voice over.

If Al-Cid ever saw those actor on the street, thier necks would be snapped by Al-Cid's Sunglasses Lady.

Back to status effects, 'stone' is particularly fun to create T-rated drug references.

_"HEY PENELO I'M OUTTA MP."  
"Okay, Vaan, use charge."  
"BUT BALTHIER IS STONED."_

TEAM FUEGO is not under the influence of drugs, apart Larsa's occasional hi-potion overdoses.

Al-Cid feels it necessary to note that Al-Cid received few flavour-suggestions for muffins, so Al-Cid has delayed baking them until more are submitted.

STOP, IT'S ESPER TIME!

Aha, Belias the _Gigas_. More T-rated innuendos.

Moving along, Ashelia and friends acquired the Dawn Shard from Lord Rasler's ghost, which coud be seen as Ashe's halucination (AL-CID REPEATS, TEAM FUEGO IS NOT UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF DRUGS) or whether he is _actually a ghost_.

Anyways, the party is exiting the tomb into fresh air, the kind of air that doesn't give you a daily dose of minerals each time you inhale (I.E. ARCHADIA).

_By the gods_ the party has been captured again. Oh ho, it's all that whiny _Golden Boy's _fauly. Cheeky little Judge Magister.

ARMOURED ASS YOU ARE AN ASS.

Oh Penelo, don't even try, you're a really, _really_ bad liar.

_REWIND_, the Dawn Shard is _nethicite? _THIS IS MADNESS.

Al-Cid really doens't understand nethicite, how was it formed? Did Dr. C run around with a bottle catching mist? That's unethically _mini-game-like_.

Ah well, our party is being led through the Shiva. Ah, that name. It reminds Al-Cid of the epic journey two tales before this one.

Golden Boy, you are _stupid_. There is no other word for it.

There are three things your parents teach you as a child in Ivalice: Don't talk to strangers, look both ways before you cross the street, don't touch Reddas' sideburns and _don't burn the Mist_.

He always talks to strangers so he can _feel better about himself_. He so _totally _does not look both ways before crossing a street, nor does pay attention to _traffic laws_, example, _prancing through Jagd with a whole fleet of airships_.

Al-Cid doesn't want to talk about Reddas' scary side-burns _(they feed on cats) _because Ghis _totally_ crossed the line and then had a party on the other side.

Francesaca, darling, don't scream, your voice will break and bad things will happen. _Is_ Fran short for Francesca? Most likely not, as all your other friends have names that are four letters long. What ever were your parents _thinking?_

"_Let us name this one Jote, this one Mjrn… and what of the middle one?" "  
"Middle children are always the most scorned."  
"L__et us name her Fran!"_

At least it is easier to pronounce than _Ktjn_.

WHOOAAHH, Fran has some hardcore kung-fu skillage in that brain.

Vossler, how _dare you _get in the way! Fighting your Queen, and your _best friend for life _(who, BY THE WAY, DOUBLE-A, PULLS OFF NEON ORANGE SHORTS W-A-Y BETTER) and you will _die _because Fran is just _letting it rip_.

He is in for an ass-kicking from Berserker-Fran and friends.

Horrid, back-stabbing beast, you will get receive no pity from Al-Cid because Hugh Jackman can pull off those side-burns with _dashing good looks_ and _an awesome accent_, and all you have is your bad fashion sense and Judge Ghis.

TEAM FUEGO flees the exploding vicinity.

HAHA, GHIS. AH. HAHA. AHHA. You _wanted to mess with the Mist_, you _messed with the Mist._ Now you have _blown up and died _and taken several _unimportant no-name scientists _with you. Al-Cid hopes you roll around in your grave.

After reclaiming the Dawn Shard, our party must now 'lay-low' in Rabanastre for a while.

It's Memoir a-la-Marquis time.

Leave Bhujerba? Seek out the scattered pockets of the resistance in Ivalice and bring them together in a unified movement? It's so crazy it JUST MIGHT WORK.

But back to the concept of maps, the other thing Al-Cid does not understand is how, with each step one takes, the map is slowly revealed! No one draws it, it is just _there_. Perhaps the moogles hidden in Basch's potholder that map out each area as TEAM FUEGO go on. On the subject of moogles, what does 'ku-po' _mean? _Is it an endearing term? Or is it an insult only the moogles understand? Is it a _catch-phrase?_ And how is it _pronounced? _'Koo-po' or 'Kuh-po'? Al-Cid shall leave you with those thoughts in mind- and, of course, Al-Cid must provide a fact of the chronicled narrative entry:

The creature who leads Ashe and Rasler's wedding procession is the only one of its kind. It is a hybrid between the Nu-Mou and _Vayne_.

Keep it secret, keep it safe.

AND REMEMBER TO ENTER YOUR MUFFIN FLAVOURS!


	12. Winners & Summaries

_Winners & Summaries_

--

Al-Cid has decided upon a flavour for the muffins. **Mint-chocolate-chip muffins** are to be baked, as requested by **Airemir**, a narration companions who never fails to amuse Al-Cid. But of course, Al-Cid has also decided upon second place and third place winners. The second place prize goes to **Ravekizu**, for her suggestion of **Mango Strawberry muffins**, a lovely anonymous addition to our family, Al-Cid sincerely apologizes for almost killing you. Third place goes to **crazygunbladergirl**, a faithful narration companions who has been with us since the beginning, for her suggestion of **banana-chocolate chip**. Al-Cid would feel guilty for not mentioning the runner-ups, so here goes. Thank you ever so much to **LuthienSky**, for her fantabulous suggestion of **chocolate chip**, to **Angel** **Dumott Schunard Collins**, for her two fantastical suggestions of **herbal **and **bran**, and last but certainly not least (Al-Cid abhors that phrase, apologies) to **heaven-monument** for his mesmerizingly-excellent suggestion of **blueberry**.

Al-Cid applauds you all. In honor of such wonderful entries, Al-Cid will bake a full batch of mint-chocolate chip muffins, two-thirds a batch of mango-strawberry, one-third a batch of banana-chocolate chip, and another batch to be split evenly among the runners-up.

Al-Cid feels guilty for not honoring the runner-ups so well… yet, it must as such, for Al-Cid hates it when those who host competitions yell at the end "EVERYBODYWINSYAY!" It is just so _degrading _for the losers and so _annoying _for the winners! What if they used said tactic for illegal-Chocobo-races? "Well, your chocobo won, but since we're going to do this the new way, everybody is going to split your prize money!" and then all the thugs who race will beat the host up. At least there would be something fun in that.

But anyways, we must carry on with this epic journey.

The party has finished with the laying-low strategy and decided to scamper through the Giza and Ozmone Plains to Jahara, the land of Goat-People.

Those darned Goat-People scare Al-Cid. How do they tell the differentiate between each other?

_"STAN, BUDDY, WAZZUP MAH HOMESLICE?"  
"Stan's by the mud pit chatting up Jerry."  
__"Oh… CATCH YA' ON THE FLIPSIDE, PAL!"  
__"…Yeah."_

There are no women. Al-Cid does not want to know how they generate new generations of goat-clans.

But anyways, let's summarize the entire plot thus far.

Ashe and Rasler get hitched, a couple days later some Imperial _goes for the jugular _and takes Rasler out in battle. Fallen prince, war chocobos, space battles, LOTR-Star Wars cross-over fights.

Enter Reks, clad in a leather bra who follows Cap'n Crunch in all his neon-orange-pant-glory. The Baschster educates Reks about talking with happy-face emoticons. Beat up some random encounters, repetitively, blah, Reksy goes all heroic and kicks some imperial butts all by his lonesome. Goes to join the troops, only to find that Basch has BETRAYED his teammates, and then gets stabbed.

Archadia claims Dalmasca as it's own little colony, Dalmascans get pissed, Ashelia 'commits suicide', while Rozzaria sits back and sips their smoothies.

Cut to the innocent younger brother two years later. Endearing little street thief Vaan goes all Aladdin (unfortunately, without a fez) and pilfers some gil, scampers off, Penny steals it back and emasculates him for it.

Tutorials, flower-picking and some stealth-mini-quests ensue, and Tomaj teaches you all about the license board where the characters have no noses. Steal some shiny stuff from the royal palace, meet some sky pirates. You get caught and they get on with their sexy escape.

The trio of awesome get down and dirty in the sewers and meet Ashelia, who's probably the first girl with a sword and some hardcore melee skillz to ever grace this series.

Vayne brings down the whole army to snag their freedom-fighting asses. Ashe settles for a higher-quality prison while the rest get thrown in the depths of Nalbina where the prisoners canabaslize on eachother.

Penny gets pissed and breaks free of the grasp of _three _imperials, only to be stopped by Balthier and given a handkerchief as a pitiful consolation prize. Ratty gets knocked out by an imperial.

Here we arrive in the white room with Ratty's hallucination of vegetation-Reks. The flowers come back because they're Reks' favourite reoccurring symbolism that relates to his death. Meaningful undertones that are all heart-wrenchingly dandy and _still very tragic_.

Ratty Rastbane awakes in a prison, dismisses Balthier, bears witness to another prisoner clubbed to death, calls for an intervention, gets dragged into a pit-fight. Balthier jumps in to the fray and takes on those underlings with his colourful rings.

The party runs off and meet caged-over-a-pit-Jesus-Basch. We now meet Cap'n Crunch of Archadia, also known as Basch's _evil twin brother_. _This_ plot device has got to have beeen stolen straight from Young & the Restless, General Hospital and the other soap operas that Al-Cid watched when he was of a younger age.

Ratty jumps onto Basch's cage screaming some nonsense about _BETRAYER OF DALMASCA TRAITOR TRAITOR_ and then Basch tries to make an excuse that's actually not an excuse and is the truth, they all jump down a pit on a cage together, not breaking their skinny necks, and then Ratty is _still really really _pissed. Balthier has a mellow-rebel moment and tells Basch that he can join as long as he can beat up zombies with his fists.

Battery-spiders who eat electricity are slaughtered, the party escapes and everyone ditches Ratty to go get lit and/or reconnect with lost rebel-friends.

Old Dalan sets the whole story in motion by making Ratty go speak with the aforementioned rebel-friend of Basch, Ratty defends his brother from muscled guys, and that lucky boy doesn't get beat up. A.A. and Cap'n Crunch of Dalmasca have a mini-staring-contest and then Basch gets a sword.

Vaan and Basch share a romantic moment.

Vaan and Basch walk in on Balthier and Fran and Migelo's not-so-romantic moment.

The party agrees to go on a heroic rescue for Penny, who is trapped in the mines in Bhujerba with a gang of smelly Bangaas (poor girl).

Larsa joins up with the party as a guest, for some… reason… to do… with not liking Judge Ghis. Larsa and Balthier have really odd half-moment-of-romance and then Ba'Gamnan shows up.

Penny gets saved, the party gets chased by smelly Bangaas through a mine, Larsa and Penelo ditch you, Ghis gives them creepy smiles, Ondore raises his eyebrows and decides that he hates his job for having to deal with trouble-making Archadians (this is why he starts the resistance).

Ratty pretends to be Basch, gets captured by the Sky Mob, gets rescued by his new friends and they all get to talk to Ondore. Politics, Basch wants to save Ashe, Drednaught Leviathan, _the party is captured again_.

Basch and Ashe romantic-moment-but-not-really-because-Ashe-slapped-him-up.

Freakish mass-produced guards and laser traps ensue and then Penelo joins up with the gang and together they kick Ghis's golden ass for the first time as a full party. Now christened the Hero Faction at this point by Al-Cid, they go talk to Ondore again who tells Ashe that she shouldn't go kill Vayne because that's not very diplomatic. Of course, she goes and tries to steal the Strahl, Ratty stops her and the two have a romantic moment, Balthier jumps in with his voice changer and then they all get to fly to the Ogir-Yensa Sandsea.

The Emperor of Archadia starts dying from a cough, Vayne starts contriving even more.

Travelling over the Ogir and Nam-Yensa Sandseas occurs, and everyone gets sand everywhere and everyone gets really pissed at eachother because they have sand everywhere.

They excavate Raithwall's tomb, obtain the Dawn Shard and _Belias the Gigas _(he sounds ever so menacing…) and then the party gets captured _again_.

The Hero Faction mortally wounds Vossler, Fran goes all bersek and they all get to blow-up Ghis. The lay-low in Rabanastre for a few minutes and then decide to cross the Ozmone Plain to go talk to the goat-clan about creating more explosions with the Dawn Shard, all that fun stuff.

They arrive in Jahara, the Elder talks to Ashe about power, Larsa shows up, Ashe yells at Larsa, Larsa calmly raises his voice ever so slightly is response, Ashe sees an appearance of Rasler, it turns out to be Ratty, Ashe and Ratty have an odd romantic moment (because of Rasler?), Larsa joins the party as a guest and whines about how he can't be the party leader, Ashe and Basch have a would-be-romantic moment if they weren't talking about bringing peace to Dalmasca, and now they are all off to the Golmore Jungle.

Now they are stocking u- _what is that?_

It is like a green… shaggy… llama… with horns… where are it's _eyes?_ What do the Jahara _herd? _Al-Cid is _shocked _and _appalled_. _Al-Cid doesn't know what to think_, it is a _travesty_.

The Hero Faction get free chocobo rides? Lucky dogs.

Ah, it's time for the fact of the… narrative… entry…: Larsa buys his drugs from an underground drug-dealer named Antonio in Archadia, he keeps them in Basch's potholder.

And with that summary, Narration Companions, Al-Cid leaves you to bake muffins.

--

Author's Note: _**HOLY CRAPSICKLES WE GOT CHARACTER LISTINGS AND EVERYONE IS ON IT I THINK I JUST DIED OF AWESOME.**_ Can you believe it?! CANYOUCANYOUCANYOU!? And I'M SORRY I SUCK SO MUCH AT UPDATING GUYYSSSS!! I'll try to get TWWOOO more chapters out before I leave for camp, promise promise. Either way, I will write chapters at camp, and I think I have convinced Angel Dumott Schunard Collins (I think she's the Pygmy Puff now? Something like that?), a close friend of mine, to type them up and post them if I send them to her in the mail. On a more important note I WANT MARQUIS HALIM ONDORE TO BE MY UNCLE!! HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?!#:?e (and you know, all y'all who've favourite and alert but never review, **YOU DON'T GET MUFFINS** (_zing_))


	13. Soap Opera

Author's Note: OH MY GOSH I CANNOT GET OVER THE FACT THAT WE GOT CHARACTER LISTINGS _WHHOOAAAHHHHHHH_. AND, LIKE, _EVERYONE_ IS ON IT!! EVEN _**ONDORE AHAHA THERE'S A IV AFTER ONDORE**_ AND ZODIARK AND HIS ESPER FRIENDS AND OLD DALAN AND REDDAS AND **ZAAAAARGAAAABAAAAAAATH **(his name sounds so menacing in a hot-if-he-weren't-seventy-way) AND GHIS AND OH MY GOSH I WANT TO TACKLEGLOMP BECAUSE IT WILL BE SO MUCH EASIER TO LOOK FOR FANFICS AND **OH MY GOSH KYTES** IS ON IT WHAT IS THAT _I'M SO PUMPED RIGHT NOW AHAHAH_.

Oh, and thankies to azert for calling me on not mentioning the whole "AHA I TAKE YOUR RING, ASHHEEE!!" thing with Balthier. I needed to have something about that.

--

_Soap Opera_

--

Narration Companions, claim your virtual muffins.

After prancing through the Ozmone Plains on their _free Chocobo rentals _the Hero Faction have safely arrived in the Golmore Jungle, which is really not safe place to be and is filled with monsters. From the Golmore Jungle, they tried to go through to Mount Bur-Omisace, where they would have met Al-Cid, and then everyone would have swooned over Al-Cid's _gorgeous_.

But _that's not how epic adventures work._

_No_, there has to be a big _glyph barrier_ that _eats people_ blocking the path. Fran is subconsciously-forced into opening _the path to her past_ with some home-grown, unclassified Viera-magic.

Why are all these kiddie-winkles adventuring together?

Let's flashback to their purposes.

Ashelia is here because she is the Princess of Dalmasca, she needs to reclaim the throne, kick some imperial ass, the usual.

Basch is here because he's the oh so loyal knight and Cap' Crunch of Dalmasca. Also, his evil twin brother is evil.

Balthier is here because…

Just why is that sky pirate tagging along? He mentions something about 'seeing how it unfolds' but we all know that that is a _foolish _reason. Let us rewind.

…Balthier… took her wedding ring. That was seriously uncalled for, _Han Solo_.

If Balthier and Ashe are _romantically involved_, and he wanted to, say, _propose _to her, than he should not _use her own wedding ring_. Al-Cid is so confused. Just _who_ is with _who_ in the epic adventure? Perhaps it is all up to the imagination, for everyone flirts and has little romantic moments with everyone else in this game. Al-Cid can testify to the fact that Al-Cid flirted with several characters.

There are only men and Al-Cid's sunglasses lady in Rozzaria, and Al-Cid is the only straight one.

Life is hard for Al-Cid.

Carrying on, Balthier is here because Ashe gave him her ring. Al-Cid is under the impression that is a symbol of letting go. Even so, she still sees Rasler's ghost, who is _really boring_. All he does is give Ashe nethicite, and _he isn't even a zombie_.

Zombies are so much cooler than ghosts.

Minus the maggots.

Fran is here because she is Balthier's _partner in crime_. Pardon the innuendo, Narration Companions.

Vaan is here because he wants to reclaim his nation's independence (very patriotic, Aladdin) or because he has nothing better to do.

Penelo is here because she is _Vaan's friend_.

Which is a _stupid thing to be christened_, but unfortunately, the official books about this adventure deem her as such. Al-Cid thinks that Penelo has kick-ass skills at emasculating Vaan.

They should call her… 'PENNY THE SWEDE; EMASCULATER OF VAAN.'

That is a fun title.

Back to the party, everyone, except for Fran, are tramping through a bunny-village illegally so they can break on through that glyph barrier and meet the greatest character of all time, Al-Cid.

Fran is not going because she has bad family ties.

It is illegal only by the Law of the Wood, though, but our happy little heroes do not follow the Law of the Wood, so it would only be illegal if a non-Viera who followed the Law of the Wood illegally went into the village. So that law doesn't really apply to anyone. The Viera should think these things through better.

No one broke the law! That is a first.

Unless Fran just did…

Are banished bunnies are allowed to return home after they were banished or left on their own accord or were kidnapped by Witch Doctors?

Fran, Al-Cid knew you would man-up and visit your bunny-friends, even if they all hate you!

Oh my, it is time for some good old fashioned family bonding between Fran and her long forgotten sister, Jote!

It's just like a soap opera.

An evil twin brother, a dead husband's ghost, multiple love octagons, and now a family that has been torn apart by hatred.

…Jote, you just broke the mood, _girl_. And the mood was _bad to begin with_.

Yes, this is definitely a soap opera.

The sister who is a _witch _with a _capital B_ still has a soft spotfor our very own Francesca, because they are family, and, like a bridge over troubled water, they will never die.

Is that the line?

That wasn't the point, back to the family feud.

Jote so just _totally _went all Sound of Music and spoke to the Wood.

Al-Cid thinks that was over-dramatized and that Jote already knew where her little sister was.

Anyways, the Hero Faction is off to the Henne Mines.

Poor, Larsa, he cannot be the party leader.

Al-Cid does not like mines at all, they are full of jellies, foobars, ghosts and zombies. As well as goblins who steal hat-clad Bhujerban children.

Not to mention Al-Cid gets mud all over his leather pants, and Al-Cid's leather pants are _dry-clean only_.

It is almost time for the narration to end, so Al-Cid will leave you with the Fact of the Entry.

Almost every reference to the adventure two stories before this one is _actually _a reference to the adventure _four _stories before this one.

Hm, that is a lame, my apologies, Al-Cid will conjure up another.

Eraser shavings have all gathered together and died on Basch's chest, forming his potholder.

That will suffice.

Al-Cid bids you a temporary farewell, Narration Companions. Tune in next time for gory mine monsters and Fran's sister with a bob-cut!

--

GRAWR. I be getting a bunch of muffin flavours, and they're all awesome, but the conest if over :(

HOPE YOU LIKED IT, HOMESLICES.

(PS. if you leave a review past Monday, I won't be able to reply.)


	14. Lies & Boy Bands

I'M A FAILURE AT UPDATING I KNOW.

I forgot to say this at the beginning of this fanfic: if I bash your favourite character, pairing, etc., please don't get offended, because in the end of it, everyone's going to be bashed. Except for Al-Cid because… Al-Cid is narrating it. I love all characters in this game (except my glitchful and wonderful Baschkin when he decides to beat on Penelo) (IT WAS ONLY IN HIS GAMBITS AS A JOKE ONCE I SWEAR) and I'm pretty open to most pairings, unless they're seriously creepy. (I.E. ADRAMMELECH/ATAK/WOOD) _(by the by, if someone ever wrote that, I'd forever worship them)_

Let's do this.

--

LIES & BOY BANDS

--

_A Valiant, Courageous and Beautiful Man's Adventures, as told by Al-Cid Margrace of Rozzaria Chapter 3: The Life and Lies of Ivalice, page 54, paragraphs 7 – 15. _

The life Al-Cid has led on and in the shores, mountains, hills, valleys, meadows, palaces and mines of Ivalice has been proven to not only be the greatest life ever led by a single man, but to be a lie.. A dirty, rotten, filthy _lie _that Al-Cid can never forgive life for.

Al-Cid was told that Fran of the Wood was twenty-seven. _Lie_, she's six billion.

Al-Cid is the only straight man in Rozzaria. _Lie_, all men from these adventures are secretly gay.

Basch buys his clothes from thrift shops. _Lie_, he steals his mother's household decorations.

Gravity always applies. _Lie_, has anyone seen _Penelo's hair?_

Everything and everyone is special in his, her or its own way. _Lie_, if it glows it's more special.

Ivalician is the only language in Ivalice. _Lie_, Ashelia B'Nargin Dalmasca _(see Chapter 2, an Overview of the Leading Roles) _knows French.

You can do anything if you try. _Lie_, Al-Cid cannot say aluminum.

--

Well, Narration Companions, what did you think? Al-Cid is writing a novel based upon his experiences with our Hero Faction.

Leave Al-Cid your thoughts, comments, views and opinions on the above excerpt.

In other news, Al-Cid has developed a new addiction to boy bands. Have no fear, friends, Al-Cid will not abandon his narrating career in exchange for the offers he was given to join LMNT and the Backstreet Boys.

In all seriousness, Al-Cid is too cool for the likes of them.

Sadly, as much as Al-Cid loves to chat about boy bands, this story must continue.

Fast-forwarding through the gory beat-up-jell-o nonsense, our joyous band of heroes has arrived at an Ore Separation. And this is where we restart the tales of the Hero Faction since Al-Cid's absence.

Enter Mjrn, stumbling on like a possessed demon. It would be so ironic if she was possessed by Jote.

But no, little Mjrn has been possessed by an odd-looking ghost named Venat.

Venat's gender has yet to be confirmed by Al-Cid's sources.

Thus, the dragon that has been hiding behind a wall, while staying absolutely silent, freaks out and attacks our party.

Fast-forward to victory dances. Balthier looks like a ferret when he pushes his hair back.

Fast-forward past discovering the secrets of the nethicite.

Back at the ranch… Eruyt Village… whatever… Mjrn tells Jote of her plans to leave as Fran did years ago. Jote, playing the bitter, angry older sister, bitterly scolds little Mjrn and the party. Fran concurs with Jote about Mjrn not leaving the Wood.

Sucks to be Mjrn.

Jote emasculates the entire part for not-being Vieras/abandoning the wood, and then gives them something free called Lente's Tear that grants access to Al-Cid.

…

Introduction.

Al-Cid's introduction.

Off the party goes, deep into the Golmore Jungle.

Al-Cid's pet Chocobo, Alexander Greyskull Buzz Lightyear XXXVII escaped the Rozzarian Palace Gardens to be in the wild with its adopted family of wolves. Al-Cid only brings up this tragic event because Al-Cid believes the Hero Faction just killed Ally Greyskull.

They're going through Golmore, they're going on a trip, they're going to Golmore, to meet Al-Cid and flip. About his good looks, and they'll realize, that there's nothing cooler, not even in the books.

Al-Cid is great at re-writing jingles.

Al-Cid will become a jingle-re-writer part-time.

Zoboomafoo is the best. But not the bestest best, the bestest best is Power Rangers.

AL-CID SEES SNOW. IS IT MOUNT BUR-OMISACE?

No.

Rejection stings.

It's the Paramina Rift. As if. Al-Cid is not in the Paramina Rift. Skip scene, _much_.

Narration Companions, do you know what would be cool? If this adventure had scene selection. Al-Cid would re-watch Vaan's emasculation at the first exit of Eruyt Village over and over for kicks.

Why is Gran Kitias Anastasia's mouth not moving?

That's kind of creepy.

ENTER AL-CID, THE MOST GORGEOUS AND FANTASTIC AND POSITIVELY EXCELLENT PERSON TO EVER BE BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD.

Hot darn, our time is up.

The next chapter will be all about Al-Cid's scene.

Al-Cid bids you all a unbelievably-sexy fairwell.

--

The chapter's been inspired by my reinstated obsession with the song 'Everybody' by the Backstreet Boys. Kevin's still my favourite.

Sorry I suck at updating.


	15. NEW CHAPTER! yes I do fail

-crawls out of bush-

-updates after a very very very very long time-

-shot at-

-at least twice-

-

Al-Cid + Team Main Party = sexy video game cast.

And as everyone knows, sexy cast = sexy viewers = sexy money. And sexy viewers = sexy writers = sexy reviewers = sexy material on Al-Cid. That sometimes takes very long amounts of time to update. Al-Cid apologizes for this.

MOVING ON.

Fast forward past Mr. I-SPEAK-THROUGH-YOUR-DREAMS who has a mouth but doesn't use it for reasons that are not to be disclosed at this time for legal reasons. Mewtwo also uses this method of communicating but it is okay because Mewtwo is practically Jesus-but-a-pokemon.

ENTER AL-CID AND HIS ENDLESSLY SEXY-WITTY-STUD COMMENTS.

Me-ow is right, Narration Companions. Me. OW!

Al-Cid has always wanted a cat named 'Freakin'-Awesome-Cat' called 'Freak' for short so other people will be all up in Al-Cid's grill for naming a cat 'Freak' who will 'flip their shit' as some would say about animal rights and psychology. But Al-Cid will say "bitch please, no, my cat is called 'Freakin'-Awesome-Cat' because it is freakin' awesome!" and that person will say "Oh, I see, I apologize for insulting your cats level of freakin' awesome." And that is the end of Al-Cid's future-anecdote.

Any cat of Al-Cid's is more freakin' awesome than your cat unless it is named More-Freakin'-Awesome-Than-Al-Cid's-Cat which would be a terrible thing to name your cat because it's LIFE WOULD BE A LIE BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T BE MORE FREAKIN' AWESOME THAN AL-CID'S CAT BECAUSE AL-CID'S CAT IS THE FREAKIN' AWESOME-IST.

Why are there no lightsabers in this adventure?

Al-Cid thinks that everyone should have a light saber. Or at least THE FORCE incase the light saber runs out of batteries.

Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Balthier: who would win this light saber fight? Obi-Wan Kenobi the triple threat master Jedi or Balthier the studly sky pirate?

Al-Cid cannot decide. What do you all think, Narration Companions?

Al-Cid wishes he could control the force. Then he could just blow anyone away who tries to blow him away. All those people with their MEDICAL CERTIFICATES and PURPLE HEARTS and PLATINUM RECORDS trying to show Al-Cid up would be blown away. LITERALLY BY THE FORCE.

And then Al-Cid would laugh his sexy-ass laugh and strut away like a champion. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT AL-CID IS; A CHAMPION.

BACK TO THE STORY.

Al-Cid is sweeping Ashe off her feet as we speak with his super-sly moves an- THEY ARE ALL GIVING AL-CID CONDESCENDING SMIRKS AND NOT SWOONING LIKE THE SHOULD BE! Penny is even in shock. Balthier is giving Al-Cid MEGA-DIRTY-LOOKS and Larsa looks DOWNRIGHT-EMBARRESSED.

Al-Cid does not even know what to do with himself. Al-Cid feels like he may have a breakdown.

HOW CAN THEY NOT LOVE THE HUNKY PIECE OF MAN THAT IS AL-CID MARGRACE?

Al-Cid's world is falling apart.

These people do not love Al-Cid like they should.

AL-CID IS BEING SO GRACEFUL AND THEY ARE GIVING AL-CID NOTHING IN RETURN. _Nothing_. Legit. IMATELY!

This is a direct hit to Al-Cid's feelings pop fly, not a bunt, a _direct hit_. This is a curveball to the left field, as they say. A screwball down the centre. A fastball to the right. THEY HOMERUN'D.

Oh- oh and now Ashe is all I-CAN-SPEAKA-THE-FRENCH-EVEN-THOUGH-WE'RE-IN-IVALICE-NOT-EUROPE-AND-NOBODY-SPEAKS-THAT-HERE. It's not even a real language where Al-Cid comes from. _What is this chick trick!?_

Al-Cid angrily chews his baba ghanouj.

Ghanouj.

What is that? _Ghanouj_. Why would anybody spell anything like that? Why can people not just spell things like they are? PHONICS ARE GOOD FOR THE SOUL. Ganoosh. This is how ghanouj should be spelt.

And _beige_.  
What is that E-I-G they are giving Al-Cid?  
Bayje. This is how Al-Cid shall spell it.  
Al-Cid does not like how g's take some j's places. G should not make both the gah sound and the juh sound, it is not fair to the letter J. Stealing all the J's words. Like beige. Which was stolen back and is now bayje. Narration Companions, if Al-Cid ever catches any of you using the spelling 'beige', Al-Cid will personally beat you with his light saber handle because Al-Cid used it's batteries to turn on his lamp and write this. Also the lamp has a bayje lamp shade.

Back to Ashe and her frenchie-lingo.

She seems to think we should form a coup d'état and overthrow the government. Al-Cid would agree except Al-Cid does not know what a coup d'état is because Al-Cid is from Rozzaria and Rozzaria is in Ivalice and THERE ARE NO FRENCH IN IVALICE UNLESS YOU OWN THE COPY OF THIS ADVENTURE RELEASED IN FRANCE AND CANADA.

Psychic is a very hard word to spell.

Thank the Occuria Al-Cid has spell check.

But really, psychic. Al-Cid always thought tries to spell it phshychic because it seems there should be like eight H's going on in there when there really aren't. It should be spelt sykick.

Al-Cid has always wanted a silent H in Al-Cid.

Ahl-Cid.  
Ahl-Chidh.  
THIS IS NOW HOW WE ROLL, NARRATION COMPANIONS.

Anyways……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Ahl-Chidh greatly enjoys dot dot dots……………………………………………………………….ellipsis……………………………………………………………….

OKAY, so, our happy gang of heroes is on their way to DA' STILSHRINE O' MIRIAM to kick some ass n' get some rocks n' stuff and abused-by-his-so-called-buds-4-life-Ahl-Chidh gets to chill with his whor- glasses holder.

Don't you worry your pretty little heads off, Narration Companions, Ahl-Chidh's sunglasses holder (who's name escapes Ahl-Chidh but Ahl-Chidh is too cool to ask what it is so she just goes by 'may I have my glasses' on good days'BITCH GIMME MY GLASSES' on bad days and sexy hair swoops on regular days) is not Ahl-Chidh's 'ho'. THAT'S ILLEGAL IN EVERY STATE EXCEPT FOR NABUDIS BUT IT BLEW UP so it is just illegal everywhere now.

Al-Cid is tired of the silent H's that were goin' on and has decided that it is too much work to change Al-Cid to Ahl-Chidh officially and people would pronounce it wrong at important dinners and PEOPLE WOULD LAUGH so it is back to Al-Cid.

This is now how we do.

Al-Cid is still very hurt by the Hero Faction and their reactions, especially because Basch was giving Al-Cid bedroom eyes the entire time and it got creeper jeepers. And maybe a little kinky.

Al-Cid wonders what would happen if we added velvet and stilettos with rhinestones on them to this equation…………………

THE POINT IS BALTHIER DOESN'T LIKE AL-CID AND THIS HURTS because we could be BFFLS and have matching jackets and go shuffle boarding on Sunday afternoons!

But no.  
Not anymore.

Even if Han Solo changed his tune, he has stabbed his emotional knife too far into Al-Cid's chest. NOW AL-CID WILL NEVER BE THE RON TO HIS HARRY, THE SIGFRIED TO HIS ROY, THE LEGOLAS TO HIS GIMLI!_ Not even the Spock to his Captain Kirk!_  
Balthier has forced Al-Cid to become the kryptonite to his Superman! The Gary to his Ash! THE KOOL-AID TO HIS LIVING ROOM WALL.

Al-Cid is over it.

OH TO THE EM TO THE GEE, as you kids say these days, MEANWHILE BACK IN ARCHADIA TIMES AHEAD!

Judges in their crazy helmets and blunt weapons because Vayne don't trust them with sharp objects because of WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO JUDGE ZECHT. That whole plot twist from RIDORANA CATARACT RAWR is some MEGA B.S. right there.

THAT GUY IS POINT HIS SWORD AT VAYNE! Oh, it's a woman. YOU GO, GIRL! Aw, crackers. FOILED AGAIN BY THE MAN WITH THE WRINKLES and his not-so-sharp sword. HE JUST THREW THAT MAN-WOMAN BY THE FACE! She will feel that tomorrow morning.

Fastforward past Gabranth and his I-cry-inside face as he kills the man-chick.

_Whatever_.

BACK TO THE BULLIES OF THIS STORY, THE MAIN PARTY.

Walkin' through da' snow as they go to the top of the mouunnttaiiinnnnn. Is that a song?

Someone google this while Al-Cid takes a bubble bath.

NIGHT, REAL FRIENDS WHO DON'T BULLY AL-CID AND GIVE HIM BEDROOM EYES!

-

I haven't updated in a while. WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF I TOLD YOU I FAKED MY DEATH TO HIDE FROM THE FUZZ AND JUST GOT MY FAKE I.D.? No? DIDN'T THINK SO. I kind of………forgot about this. I KNOW RIGHT mega fail x 10923985245. But I got a review from MaiDeadly that reminded me of this and I thought 'HOSHITIGOTTAUPDATEFPILP' so you all go thank her.

OK NOW GET OVER IT I'M BACK AND I'M UPDATING MORE 'CAUSE I'M ON SUMMER BREAK.

ILY, and you are allowed to call me a frosty bitch who fails at life in your reviews if you really want to. I WILL TAKE IT LIKE A MAN, K.


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